Today I'd like to get some things off my chest and tell you a bit about how I've been feeling lately.
For all of you who didn't follow the whole story: about a month ago my boyfriend dumped me after a beautiful and very special relationship that had lasted almost ten years.
In these almost ten years we rarely ever had fights - of course we had our ups and downs, but in general we both had nothing to complain about.
Anyway, so he dumped me for certain reasons - I don't want to name them here because I don't know if he'd like me to tell it to the world. Let's just say that it was nothing about me, it was simply that he had changed a lot in a very short period of time and that we both went through some hard months before it was over.
Now you have some brief background info.
What I'd actually like to write about is the following: even though it was only about one month ago that we broke up, it feels like so much longer for me. You know these theories about how long it takes to get over a breakup, e.g. it takes a certain number of alcoholic drinks, it takes half as long as the relationship was, it takes a certain number of one night stands etc.
Well, I don't know if my feelings are fooling me, but - as crazy as it sounds - I think I'm over it already. And you know why? Simply because I spent two whole weeks complaining about that I don't want to feel low and that I don't want to cry and think about him all day and that I don't want to miss him every single second. I think that really is the reason - I didn't and I don't want to suffer.
I have actually suffered enough in the couple of month before the breakup and I was so fed up with crying and not being able to fall asleep and all. I've had days when I thought so freakin much that my brain felt like squish.
But after these intense two or maybe even three weeks after the breakup I came to the point where I had enough.
I will always love the person he was before he went through this sudden change and I will always miss his old self for it was what made me perfectly happy. We had the most amazing ten years together and I wouldn't change a thing about the relationship we led, almost every moment spent together was beautiful. We also were best friends and it is really hard to lose the one who was the closest to your heart for so long - but I was sick of feeling down and so, following my wish, we stopped all contact.
And even if it's still hard to hold back and not text him, I see that I've been feeling much better since I've made this decision. I keep my head busy with other thoughts, I listen to radio plays at night to avoid mulling, I meet new people, I try to do some more social networking again, I text with lots of friends throughout the day and I recently even started going on dates.
Of course there are these moments when my mind wanders back in time again - but they get fewer and fewer. It feels good to actually see the progress of letting go.
I don't know if I'm really over the hump already or if this is just the little up before another emotional crash - let's hope for the former.
All I can say is that, to my own surprise, I'm feeling pretty good without a boyfriend. It's strange how you say this in November when you thought you couldn't live without him before.
What has mainly helped me is university. I believe I wouldn't have been able to handle this breakup situation without my philosophy studies. Seriously, I think I would have been a total picture of misery without them.
What gives me strength is the belief in the theory that everything happens for a reason. Life is like a river flowing in a riverbed and you cannot push or stop the river - it will just flow the way it does. And even if you don't understand its bends and rapids and waterfalls today, some fine day in the future you will be able to look back and understand what they were for.
This might sound naive to some of you, but it is what I believe in and what helps me to move on.
It's a very positive kind of determinism and I like it.
To end this post with even more positivity: I'll move into the new apartment in the course of the next days and I'm so excited about it! You'll see some photos soon, promised!
Have a lovely day!