I know on Facebook I promised to be back with a new post at the weekend, but somehow it didn't work. I had a really busy week job-wise and in addition to that I find myself struggling with some unexpected emotions again way too often.
To cut a long story short: I'm having a hard time with myself again at the moment. I'm so busy trying to make a living and trying to keep everything going that I end up feeling like I'm not living at all. Working all day long feels right when I'm at the office because I can really use the money, but in the evening when I come home I feel like I missed out on all other aspects of life completely after doing the 9 to 6 thing five days in a row.
I try to use my spare time for something productive but end up brooding over why I can't get certain things straight instead of enjoying a relaxed dvd night at home.
At the weekends I try to go out, meet new people and have a good time and it feels great when I'm in the middle of doing this - but the day after I wonder what it was all for and why it feels so senseless.
Is this necessary? Do I have to go through this emotional rollercoaster to figure out who I am? Do I have to drink too much to find out that it's pointless? Do I have to meet really messed up people to realize that I'm not as messed up as I think? Or because I really am that messed up too? Do I have to go out and party to notice that it actually only is a waste of time and money?
I don't know.
There is so much going on inside of me and also around me and still I've been feeling like a sleepwalker by day lately. The irony about this is, that I still can't sleep properly at night by the way.
It feels like life is rushing by so fast that I can't get a grip on it. Maybe it's also because my birthday is approaching and because I've been feeling like an amputated limb since the breakup anyway.
Life goes on though and I'm trying hard to keep everything going, the jobs, university, social contacts and all.
Not really sure what I want to say with this post anyway, but I needed to get this off my chest and writing it down here at least feels better than going on my friend's and family's nerves by sounding like a broken record over and over again.
I often wish someone would ask me how I feel and then, even if I say I'm fine, say "No you're not." and give me a hug.
But that's not how life works and that's not going to happen, so instead I carry on and try to get used to that you can only rely on yourself when you feel low. No one is going to get you out of this mess, you need to do it yourself, period. I'm trying and I'm on a good way, but at the moment it has gotten pretty hard again.
Well, this too shall pass. Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
I'm going to watch Misfits now, have a glass of wine, some cookies and do my best to get myself out of this hole again.
New outfit post as soon as I feel better, I promise!
Hope everyone else is doing fine? Have a good week!
now playing: macklemore - starting over